We were having an especially rough night after an especially rough week. I went searching around for help, for answers and I came across this Blog. The story hit home and I felt compelled to comment. I never thought the comment would be read, let alone understood by anyone else. So here it is my first official unofficial Blog post.
PASP - Combat PTSD HQ: PTSD is a Demon: First It Invades the Veteran, the...: "Reader's comment on August 1, 2010 from the article Combat Veterans Bring the Monster of War Home: The Story of SGT Travis Triggs For the li..."
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Is it time to call it quits?
I did my research. I read articles and medical journals about PTSD and TBI, watched documentaries, and searched the internet for answers. With a background in psychology, more specifically behavior analysis, I thought I knew how to help. I reinforced behaviors that I wanted to see more of and ignored the ones I wanted to extinguish. I was patient and forgiving. I was insightful and giving. I held my tongue when I wanted to yell because that's what he needed. I corrected the kids behaviors before hey would upset him. I walked every second of every day on eggshells.
We were not communicating well. I bought us each a journal that we could write our thoughts in. We couldn't get angry at each other for anything that was written in the journal. That was the "safe zone". A place we could express ourselves to one and other without worry. I wrote in the journal consistently...D never touched it.
I worried all alone: about money, about the kids, about D's anger. My family didn't understand and was very judgmental. A few of my girlfriends tried to listen, but it was near impossible to explain what I was feeling or what I struggled through day after day.
One of my best friends is in a very similar situation as I am. We talk and share stories. I always walk away feeling like in some ways she has it so much worse than I do. But I am frustrated with all the same crap over and over. Through all our struggling D keeps trying, but for some reason can never get it right. Am I being selfish? Are my standards to high? Should I just suck it up and accept it for what it is? Or do I call it quits and move on?
I spend the days he's at work wishing he were home. He comes home in the evening and I can't wait for the new work day to begin. I wish the work week would go quickly so we can have family time on the weekend. The weekend arrives and is waaaay too long. I've finally had enough and take the kids out of town for a break. The first morning I wake up and want nothing more than to be home. I come home early and wonder why the hell I didn't stay away for the entire 3 days. I am so hopeful, which should be a great thing, but have realized that with hope comes consistent disappointment.
The first year he was home was a breeze. He was different...but home, so I think I overlooked many of his new quirks. But since that time it has been the same crazy cycle for 3 years. I am patient, encouraging, and optimistic. Then can't hold it together all by myself and lose it...yell, cry, claim I am done doing this. I somehow manage to pull myself back together for another few months, only to breakdown again. At what point am I really through? Right now I'm at a hopeful point. I am reading through blogs and I'm amazed at the number of women who are driving down the same bumpy ass road I am. When I had done all my research before I skipped over the blogs because there was no research behind them. There was no scientific data supporting their claim or their stories. Now I know, it's these women who live it every second of every day who are the true source of knowledge. How they cope. Where they find strength.
For now I will continue to hang in there, but in a few months I will again be asking myself, "is it time to call it quits?"
We were not communicating well. I bought us each a journal that we could write our thoughts in. We couldn't get angry at each other for anything that was written in the journal. That was the "safe zone". A place we could express ourselves to one and other without worry. I wrote in the journal consistently...D never touched it.
I worried all alone: about money, about the kids, about D's anger. My family didn't understand and was very judgmental. A few of my girlfriends tried to listen, but it was near impossible to explain what I was feeling or what I struggled through day after day.
One of my best friends is in a very similar situation as I am. We talk and share stories. I always walk away feeling like in some ways she has it so much worse than I do. But I am frustrated with all the same crap over and over. Through all our struggling D keeps trying, but for some reason can never get it right. Am I being selfish? Are my standards to high? Should I just suck it up and accept it for what it is? Or do I call it quits and move on?
I spend the days he's at work wishing he were home. He comes home in the evening and I can't wait for the new work day to begin. I wish the work week would go quickly so we can have family time on the weekend. The weekend arrives and is waaaay too long. I've finally had enough and take the kids out of town for a break. The first morning I wake up and want nothing more than to be home. I come home early and wonder why the hell I didn't stay away for the entire 3 days. I am so hopeful, which should be a great thing, but have realized that with hope comes consistent disappointment.
The first year he was home was a breeze. He was different...but home, so I think I overlooked many of his new quirks. But since that time it has been the same crazy cycle for 3 years. I am patient, encouraging, and optimistic. Then can't hold it together all by myself and lose it...yell, cry, claim I am done doing this. I somehow manage to pull myself back together for another few months, only to breakdown again. At what point am I really through? Right now I'm at a hopeful point. I am reading through blogs and I'm amazed at the number of women who are driving down the same bumpy ass road I am. When I had done all my research before I skipped over the blogs because there was no research behind them. There was no scientific data supporting their claim or their stories. Now I know, it's these women who live it every second of every day who are the true source of knowledge. How they cope. Where they find strength.
For now I will continue to hang in there, but in a few months I will again be asking myself, "is it time to call it quits?"
Our history...
I'm not sure where to start with this. I guess a little history may be helpful.
D and I met in middle school. We grew up in the same neighborhood with the same friends and went to the same church. Our lives were so very similar is was scary.
But we walked 2 very different paths through high school and into our young 20s. While D was causing trouble, breaking the law, and getting kicked out of school, I traveled with my soccer team and managed to make it to school on most days. It was my Senior year in high school that D and I stopped hanging out and talking. We wouldn't speak for the next 7 years.
At 18 I had my son, C. Thankfully my dad made me go to college and my mom helped raise C. I am truly fortunate for the love of my parents. My life consisted of C, work, and school. I didn't have a social life. I didn't have many friends I shared my worries with. I didn't date. I was completely focused on making a future for myself and C.
D had married a high school sweetheart and graduated from boot camp in April 2003. He was deployed to Korea and shortly after to Iraq.
It was January 2006 that I found D on Myspace and sent him a message. He was coming home from Iraq and would be in the states for his birthday. Our first phone call in February was loooong. D talked and rambled for the entire 6 hours we were on the phone. I listened. I had missed a lot in past 7 years. I missed his friendship.
To make a long story short...things went very well for us and we had our daughter, J, in Colorado in April 2007. That same summer we moved back home to San Diego as D was medically separated from the Army with PTSD and TBI. It was here that we exited off the smooth highway of life as we once knew it and hit the rocky, pot hole ridden road we continue to drive on today.
D and I met in middle school. We grew up in the same neighborhood with the same friends and went to the same church. Our lives were so very similar is was scary.
But we walked 2 very different paths through high school and into our young 20s. While D was causing trouble, breaking the law, and getting kicked out of school, I traveled with my soccer team and managed to make it to school on most days. It was my Senior year in high school that D and I stopped hanging out and talking. We wouldn't speak for the next 7 years.
At 18 I had my son, C. Thankfully my dad made me go to college and my mom helped raise C. I am truly fortunate for the love of my parents. My life consisted of C, work, and school. I didn't have a social life. I didn't have many friends I shared my worries with. I didn't date. I was completely focused on making a future for myself and C.
D had married a high school sweetheart and graduated from boot camp in April 2003. He was deployed to Korea and shortly after to Iraq.
It was January 2006 that I found D on Myspace and sent him a message. He was coming home from Iraq and would be in the states for his birthday. Our first phone call in February was loooong. D talked and rambled for the entire 6 hours we were on the phone. I listened. I had missed a lot in past 7 years. I missed his friendship.
To make a long story short...things went very well for us and we had our daughter, J, in Colorado in April 2007. That same summer we moved back home to San Diego as D was medically separated from the Army with PTSD and TBI. It was here that we exited off the smooth highway of life as we once knew it and hit the rocky, pot hole ridden road we continue to drive on today.
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