Wednesday, June 27, 2012

False Happiness From a Dream

My damn alarm went off this morning and interrupted the most fabulous dream. I hit snooze and tried to drift back into wonderland with no success. I laid there a minute enjoying the sincere happiness I felt within. Boy has it been a looooong time since I've felt that feeling. I was afraid to get out of bad...I didn't want to feel reality. But our daughter had dance and I needed a shower. On the way home from dance in the car hubby asked, "you okay?". I hadn't noticed that I was unusually quiet until he called me out on it. I was completely lost in thought and reminiscing about the happiest happy feeling my dream had me waking with. The gist of the dream? We were back in Colorado walking through our old neighborhood. I ran into an old friend and he scooped me up in a huge bear hug and swung me around like a little kid. I hugged his wife and oldest daughter whom I haven't seen in 5 years. I met their almost 5 year-old daughter and introduced them to my parents, who oddly happened to have flown out to Colorado following us...we had driven...18 hours. Just walking down our old street was comforting. It was warm and calm and peaceful. My Mom commented to me, "If this is where you are happy, this is where we will help you be". Since our move home to San Diego in July 2007 I have missed our Colorado home. I missed living our lives for us...hubby, myself, and kids. I miss our friends. We didn't live their long, but it was such a fabulous time for us. When life seems to get really stressful my desire to flee gets stronger. I've looked up homes for sale or rent in our old neighborhood. I've scanned through job opportunities. I've checked out schools for the kids. I feel so completely unsettled here. Our current house has never felt like home. The kids don't have neighborhood friends they play with frequently. We don't live in the best part of's not the worst either.. but it most definitely isn't Colorado. I spent the better part of the day on the phone with DFAS, NVLSP and the VA. Our retirement account is still not set up after 2 months of filing forms, making phone calls, updating info, and correcting info. We are broke. And fighting with a broken system is not easy. The Army gave my hubby a retirement date of February 30, 2008. That's right...2008 was a leap year...but that only gives us 29 days. I'm praying for the time that I can wake up every day feeling as happy as I did this morning. Hoping that the happiness is coming from where I am in my life and not what I am dreaming for it to be. Also, praying that God takes special care of those dealing with the fires in Colorado Springs and surrounding areas.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

The Update...

Writing has always been very theraputic for me. But the rougher life seemed to get the more I feared that pouring my heart out on the computer screen would bring negative responses from readers and I just couldn't bear to read them. So if you have something rude to say, shove it where the sun don't shine because I don't want to hear it...and I will delete it. :o)

So here goes the honest ugly truth...

I think we are finally on the right road headed in the right direction. We have taken some very nasty turns getting here. Last week I asked hubby to leave and if he didn't I was taking the kids to my parents. I had finally had enough. Enough of the walking on eggshells waiting for him to explode at the kids. Enough of the managing our four lives all by myself. Enough of the penny pinching and financial freaking out on my own. Enough of the empty words and meaningless sex. Enough of the blank stares and shallow conversations. I wanted a partner. I wanted my husband.

I guess I yelled long enough and loud enough for him to hear becasue he left. Sort of. He "slept" in the car for 5 days only coming home to shower. And this infuriated me. How dare he assume I would still tend to his laundry and clean up after him the hour he was here to tend to what he needed. I demanded he call his parents and ask to stay with them for a few days. He called, reluctantly, and they told him no.

What?! Totally thrown for a loop I was now feeling forced to take him back under my wing. This has been the story of the last 5 years since we've parted ways with the Army and moved back home to San Diego. His parents bend over backward for their oldest and youngest while they continue to poop on hubby. I just don't get it. So I screamed once again about familial priorities and that hubby needed to put himself, myself and the kids first...above all. The kids and I are the ones supporting him day in and day out. We are the ones fighting along side him, getting trampled on in the process and we WILL now be his prority. He WILL hold his angry impatient tongue. We will no longer tip toe around him every second of every day.

I think he got it. It has been smooth sailing in our home the last 3 days. No fires for me to put out between hubby and kids. I have had a partner in the morning helping with the making of breakfast and kid lunches, feeding animals, and getting the kids ready for the day. A partner in the morning! Before noon! I have had a husband in bed with me at night...not on some far off adventure (fishing or parusing Walmart), but in bed with me. Warm and cozy, and snoring, but in bed...with me. And it has been fabulous.

But I'm almost afraid to enjoy it. I'm waiting for the PTSD hubby to find his way back. It started to show a bit today when he canceled his Doc appointment and another with the VA. Luckily he worked an 8 hour shift tonight, so he has been gone most of the evening.

I am hoping and praying the light bulb finally went off in his head. I'm not sure I can take a relapse. I know we may hit a bump, but it's how quickly we recover that will be important. If we vere off the road and hit the center divide it will be the end of us. If we manage to swerve back into the right direction I can keep trucking along.

I am over feeling helpless. I am done being ok with hubby "trying". He will behave appropriately or I won't be around to see it. He will be patient and kind or I won't be around to correct him. He will be independent because I can no longer carry him. It is time for me to start living again. Time for me to have a drink with my friends and laugh at something...anything.