Wednesday, June 27, 2012
False Happiness From a Dream
My damn alarm went off this morning and interrupted the most fabulous dream. I hit snooze and tried to drift back into wonderland with no success. I laid there a minute enjoying the sincere happiness I felt within. Boy has it been a looooong time since I've felt that feeling. I was afraid to get out of bad...I didn't want to feel reality. But our daughter had dance and I needed a shower. On the way home from dance in the car hubby asked, "you okay?". I hadn't noticed that I was unusually quiet until he called me out on it. I was completely lost in thought and reminiscing about the happiest happy feeling my dream had me waking with. The gist of the dream? We were back in Colorado walking through our old neighborhood. I ran into an old friend and he scooped me up in a huge bear hug and swung me around like a little kid. I hugged his wife and oldest daughter whom I haven't seen in 5 years. I met their almost 5 year-old daughter and introduced them to my parents, who oddly happened to have flown out to Colorado following us...we had driven...18 hours. Just walking down our old street was comforting. It was warm and calm and peaceful. My Mom commented to me, "If this is where you are happy, this is where we will help you be". Since our move home to San Diego in July 2007 I have missed our Colorado home. I missed living our lives for us...hubby, myself, and kids. I miss our friends. We didn't live their long, but it was such a fabulous time for us. When life seems to get really stressful my desire to flee gets stronger. I've looked up homes for sale or rent in our old neighborhood. I've scanned through job opportunities. I've checked out schools for the kids. I feel so completely unsettled here. Our current house has never felt like home. The kids don't have neighborhood friends they play with frequently. We don't live in the best part of town...it's not the worst either.. but it most definitely isn't Colorado. I spent the better part of the day on the phone with DFAS, NVLSP and the VA. Our retirement account is still not set up after 2 months of filing forms, making phone calls, updating info, and correcting info. We are broke. And fighting with a broken system is not easy. The Army gave my hubby a retirement date of February 30, 2008. That's right...2008 was a leap year...but that only gives us 29 days. I'm praying for the time that I can wake up every day feeling as happy as I did this morning. Hoping that the happiness is coming from where I am in my life and not what I am dreaming for it to be. Also, praying that God takes special care of those dealing with the fires in Colorado Springs and surrounding areas.