Friday, September 24, 2010

Trust and Love

To start off...I am not a very trusting person. I used to think so and maybe at some point I really was, but as of right now I struggle with trust. There was a very panicky moment the day before college graduation when I realized I had a trust issue. Turned out everything was fine and now I know that I can trust my best friend with everything that I am.

There are so many things that go into trusting a person. D seems to think that as long as I know that he'll never cheat on me then I should trust him. There is some truth to that. I do feel like D is head-over-heels in love with me. There is no doubt in my mind that cheating on me is the very last thing he would ever do. But I don't feel like I can trust him. Am I crazy? Maybe I should do a little explaining...
-D often forgets to do what he says he is going to do. How can I trust that when he tells me something he is actually going to follow through? Is it my responsibility to remind? And if so, how does my reminder help build my trust in his word?
-He stretches the truth a little because he doesn't want to hear what I have to say about the truth. For example, he was taking a History class and had to turn in an analysis of a book or something rather. I asked if it was done. D said yes. Then I found out he failed the class and I asked why he thought he didn't pass. He said because he turned in a book report and not a full analysis. I asked to see what he turned in because according to the syllabus a book report would have earned him at least half credit and with that score he would likely have passed the class with a "C". He then admitted that he didn't turn anything in. Really? Why lie about that? I'm not his mom. It's not my degree or my grades that he was affecting.
-Before we really started dating I told him that I wanted to be like my mom. I wanted to be able to stay at home with the kids and volunteer in their classrooms. My dad was able to provide everything for us and (sadly) I expected to be able to do the same for our kids. Turned out when D got out of the Army it was tougher to find a job than planned. When he finally did it was not the best paying and had no benefits for myself and C. We were struggling. I realized then that I couldn't trust him to provide for our family financially.
-Now before you go off thinking I am terrible for expecting him to be the sole provider in this economy keep reading. We switched roles. I went to work and he stayed home. I was able to get the monthly bills paid, buy odds and ends for the house, and pay off some credit card debt. I had even made enough for him to buy himself a new 52" Sony TV that he just had to have for Christmas. D continued to spend way to much money on random unnecessary things, so I opened a second account hoping I could track where the money was going. And it helped a little, but somehow D was able to convince me that we "needed" things. He needed a guitar. The kids needed 3 new pairs of shoes each. He lost or broke his sunglasses...again... and needed a new pair. We needed a digital underwater camera. It was crazy. I couldn't even trust him to help me save the money I was making.
-During this whole switching of roles ordeal there was also the household things that needed to be taken care of. C was in school and D got him there, but was late at least twice a week. D would wash laundry but it would sit in the basket until it needed to be worn - nothing was ever folded and put away or ironed and hung in the closet. Dinner was take out on most nights. He'd forget to feed the dogs. He would watch TV with J all day. I couldn't trust him to take care of the house and family the way I thought it should be taken care of.
-Fast forward to today...back at work he is and back at home I am. I have slowly put the house back in order - closets, drawers, and cabinets are getting organized. Laundry is in dressers or neatly hanging in closets. Dogs are happy to get breakfast and dinner on schedule. C is on time to school every morning. J and I play games, with doll houses, build block towers, and read books. Dinner is made in the oven or on the stove. So what's the problem now?...Money. We are back at why I went to work in the first place. I make more money. Will I ever be able to trust D to be the financial or the emotional provider for our family? Will I always feel like I am in this alone? Will I ever again have a partner or will I always be "the single parent of 3"?

I'm almost thinking I'd be better off as a true single mom...but only of two. One less person to watch after, remind to do things, clean up after, worry about. One less person to spend money on...better yet, one less person with access to spend the money in our account.

But that isn't what I really want. I want for us to have our lives back. I want D with a memory, patience, driving skills, an attention span, a sleep schedule. But even without all those things I love D. I truly truly deep down inside love D.
-I love him for how helpful he is when people need it. He's the first to stop and help if someone's car has broken down on the side of the road. He's happy to wait a few extra minutes holding the door open for an elderly person or a mom pushing a stroller. He's the first to offer to help family with anything and everything.
-I love him for his optimism. He has this way of finding the positive side to everything. Not that I always agree with his view of the positive. For example D says, our family is very healthy so living without medical insurance for a few months while things are really tough isn't so bad. He sees...we are healthy. I see...accidents happen. But sometimes I crave a dose of his optimism to keep me going.
-I love how he looks at me, how he touches me, how he makes me feel. It's hard for me to put it into writing without sounding corny...but he really truly makes me feel loved, adored, and needed. His actions may not always show it and he may drive me nuts, but when we are snuggled on the couch together and I look up at him I can see his love for me.
-I love his desire and motivation to keep trying. No matter how grumpy I am he'll always try to do something to cheer me up...pick up around the house, take the noisy kids upstairs, grab me a Starbucks. I'm not sure why I have to be grumpy before the sweet things come, maybe this is something I have taught him. Maybe he feels appreciated more when I go from being a super grump to neutral as opposed to me going from neutral to happy. (Yes, that was behavior babble...sorry I just couldn't resist.)

So I'll end this with a question..."Who ever said you cannot have love without trust?"

1 comment:

  1. I know how it feels. First of all I always encourage caregivers to realize that unfortunately life will never be the same and this is so sad, Yes. At the same time I like your positive attitude in counting what you love and not what you would like to be, that is building resilience. I also love my husband and I have become more aware of what things i need to give importance and which one I just have to let go. Thank you for your honesty and your love to your husband. We, the ones who know how to love unconditionally can help others :) Hugs!